


maybe if you try again

by cupidsintern



Series: also on tumblr! [14]
Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Feelings, First Kiss, Fluff, House Party, Internalized Homophobia, Light Angst, M/M, Talking, idk this is just how much being gay sucks when you have to pretend to be straight, theyre already friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:41:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26712349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cupidsintern/pseuds/cupidsintern
Summary: Hey,” Whenever Steve takes that soft tone it makes Billy wanna cry. Out of shame or relief he doesn’t know. Steve is too gentle with him- “Are you okay?”“Fine.” Billy opens his eyes back up.“I don’t believe you.” So unbearably gentle.
Relationships: Billy Hargrove/Steve Harrington
Series: also on tumblr! [14]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1725826
Comments: 17
Kudos: 157





	maybe if you try again

**Author's Note:**

  * For [FlashMountain](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlashMountain/gifts).



> yes i AM back on my bullshit thank you for asking! this one goes out to simon cause we talked a lot abt what im calling the Void FeelingTM and this happened. unbeta’d. enjoy

Billy’s out of that room as fast as fucking possible. He doesn’t even know how he ended up farther away from the center of the party, doesn’t even know why he was flirting with that girl in the first place- what was her name? Jenny something. But yes he does. He was doing that stupid fucking thing he always did, where if a girl flirted first he’d just flirt back, and think ‘ok, maybe this will work, maybe I can do this, maybe if I just _try_ ’ but nope. He didn’t even kiss her, she kissed him. And he _hoped_ , fucking _prayed_ that this time it would work, this time he’d _like_ it-

Her mouth was cold. Tasted like stale air. And stomach acid. He tried to keep going anyway, try to tell himself he could be into this- He got a little farther than he usually did. Then her hands starting wandering down and he fucking bolted. 

He thought about trying to make an excuse, didn’t, kicked himself for not even trying to cover his tracks. Not like Jenny Whatever would tell anyone anyway, she was pretty slammed. Not like anyone would care- so many people had made up lies about Billy already, he should just find his way out of this stupid party and go home. 

Jesus, the idea that anything could make him feel bad enough to want to go _home_.

He was pushing though the kitchen of this stupid house, thinking only that he needed to get outside, first step, get outside, when-

“Billy! Where you going, man?” Steve trips a little trying to catch up with Billy, pulling away from the crowd. 

“Heading out.” Billy should try to shake him off, he doesn’t wanna see Steve right now, doesn’t wanna think about how Steve was probably the reason this is so much worse.

“W- hey, hey I’ll drive you.” Steve catches up anyway, following Billy even as he finally finds his way to the front door, is met with yet more people chilling on the front steps, has to squeeze past them too. 

“You should stay.” Billy says over his shoulder. Is it obvious he was trying to get away? “I’ll just walk-” “What?” Steve laughs a little. “Dude, I drove you here. May as well drive you home.”

“Don’t think you’re good to drive, pretty boy.” Billy says, little quieter, now that they’re away from the party, away from the house, the front gate swinging shut behind them, the night air stingingly crisp on Billy’s face. Shit, his face is so warm, he hates this feeling. 

“I will be, just, gimme like, half an hour even.” Steve falls into step beside Billy so easily now. It baffles Billy how much Steve seems to _like_ being friends with him. After… everything. How he went with Billy everywhere now, wanted Billy to go everywhere with him. How he- how he fucking, he _knew_ and _still_.

“It’s freezing out-” Billy starts. 

“We can hangout in my car, come on,” Steve smiles like he’d solved all Billy’s problems, grabs his arm to drag him across the street like that doesn’t make Billy’s body feel even more jarringly incorrect on this plane of existence. 

Billy lets himself be dragged. He likes the sound of being warm. And Steve’s car still smells like new car just a little, mostly because when he was stressed Steve cleaned like a suburban housewife on crack- Billy said that to him once and Steve said “house _husband_ ” like it was a point of contention. 

Billy likes being in Steve’s car right now though. He likes the sound it makes when it turns on, likes how the warm air out the heater smells like plastic kinda. And he liked Steve’s contented sigh as he set his hands on the little vents on his side of the car. 

This was a little better maybe. Billy felt like at least if his soul and body weren’t matching up right now, they were probably closer together in here. 

“I didn’t mean to-” Billy started. “Whatever you’re gonna say, don’t worry about it.” Steve turns his head to look at Billy. “I wanted to go anyway.”

Billy doesn’t have anything to say to that. He just leaves his hands sunk deep in his pockets and leans back in the passenger seat. He closes his eyes for just a second before Steve speaks again. 

“Hey,” Whenever Steve takes that soft tone it makes Billy wanna cry. Out of shame or relief he doesn’t know. Steve is too gentle with him- “Are you okay?”

“Fine.” Billy opens his eyes back up.

“I don’t believe you.” So _unbearably_ gentle. 

Steve knew about Billy. Billy had straight up told him- what compelled him to, he had no idea. But it turns out if you actually explain yourself to the right people they’ll forgive you and wanna be your friend, wanna eat lunch with you and give you cigarettes when you run out and say shit like ‘are you ok’ when you’re clearly fucking not.

Sometimes Billy wished Steve didn’t know. Maybe if he’d been just a little more shitfaced when Billy told him he wouldn’t have even remembered. 

“We can talk about something else-”

“No,” Billy takes his hands out of his pockets- the car was a lot warmer now. “It’s fine, I…” 

Billy’s skin crawls. “I made out with that girl I was talking to- Jenny Whatever.”

“Jenny Peterson?” Steve sounds surprised. “That's… wait. _Why_?”

“I dunno.” That’s a lie.

“Cause you’re. You know.”

Billy rolls his eyes. “Yeah.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean-” 

“If you don’t stop being all therapist with me I’m gonna kick your ass.”

Steve laughs. Billy hates how much he loves it when Steve laughs in his face like that. “Ok tough guy.”

There’s a silence in which Billy rubs his eyes so hard little white spots show up when he opens them again. 

“Did you have fun?” Steve asks. 

“ _What_?”

“Making out with Jenny.” Steve sounds confused. “Did you at least have fun?”

“Why the fuck would I have _fun_.”

“What- I mean. Kissing. Is fun-”

“She’s a fucking _girl_ , Steve.”

“Ok! Ok, Jesus-”

“Do you not get the definition of being _gay_ , dude?” Billy hates it every time he had to say that word out loud.

“I just thought maybe,” Steve shrugs. “It would have been fun anyway.” His brow is all furrowed. “It… it wasn’t?”

“No,” Billy sighs, rubs his eyes again. They kinda hurt. “It… it wasn’t fun.”

Steve is staring at him. Not necessarily expectant. But something like that. This might be one of those times that Billy actually opened up for once.

“You could… tell me why not?” Steve suggests. So stupid nice.

Billy could say no. He could just refuse. Steve wouldn’t be upset. But at the same time, he.. He wants Steve to know. Wants to see if he gets it. See if he can understand, one way or the other. 

Billy wants Steve to know everything that goes on in his head and at the same time that’s the most terrifying idea in the world. 

“It’s like.” Billy starts. “It’s gross, first of all. Like, locking lips with a fucking cadaver. But it’s also… weird. Makes me feel fucking weird- I feel weird now cause it’s just this nothing feeling. Like you expect yourself to feel something- anything, and it’s like. Nothing.”

_Makes you feel more empty than normal,_ is what Billy would finish that off with if he had the guts. _Makes you feel broken._

_Like something’s wrong with you._

“Shit.” Steve mumbles. “That sounds awful.”

“It is.”

“Why’d you do it then?” 

The question burns in Billy’s head. “I just thought… maybe it’d be different. But I just feel… gross.”

“I’ve never felt like that.” 

Billy looks over at Steve again, Steve’s not even looking at him anymore he’s just staring at the gear shift between them, thinking face on. 

“You’ve never had to kiss a guy-”

“No, I mean like,” Steve chews his bottom lip a little. “I don’t think I would feel like that anyway.”

Billy’s heart’s always playing tricks on him.

Steve looks up. “You still feel gross?”

Stupid question. “Yeah.”

“Do you feel.. better? Other times? When it’s a guy I mean.” 

Billy’s face feels hot again. “What kind of a fucking question is that.”

“I’m just trying to understand, man-”

“Ok, yes. Obviously, that would be better-”

Steve leans over his gear shift to kiss Billy, holds each side of his face to pull him closer. Billy feels like he’s been shoved back into his body so hard it makes his fingertips tingle. He feels the warmth the car finally sink into his skin, and Steve’s lips are cold, but his mouth isn’t, his breath isn’t, and his hands are still warm from the heater, and he tastes like snowmelt and smells like pine and Billy feels… better. 

Steve pulls back.

“What the hell was that for.” It comes out way softer than Billy meant it to.

“I wanted you to feel better.” Steve looks so genuine it makes Billy’s chest ache. And he hasn’t taken his hands from Billy’s face. And maybe Billy was too fucking caught up in his own dilemma before to notice Steve’s cheeks and ears and neck are still pink even though they’re not out in the cold anymore. Maybe he’s been too caught up in his own everything to notice how nervous Steve was when he picked him up earlier that evening, how clingy he’s been for days, weeks now. 

“So, uh,” Steve pulls his hands back a little, uncertain. “Do you?”

Billy grabs Steve closer to kiss him again, not nearly so gentle as Steve’s was- he need to taste Steve again, need to get that stale air taste out of his mouth that feeling of pressure and shame out of his head- he hasn’t kissed a boy since they moved out here and god did he need to- Steve sighs, but it’s muffled, and it makes Billy fight a smile. He’s so warm. Billy feels so much better. 

They break apart again to breathe, but they’re sitting so much closer now. And Steve looks like maybe he’d like some reassurance, so Billy reassures him-

“I feel better.”


End file.
